HOW I MET JESUS- THIS IS MY STORY.

*WRITTEN IN JANUARY 2013:

JUST BARELY HANGING ON . . .

It seemed like a New York minute. Before I could even gasp for air I had finished my undergraduate degree at the University of Alabama and was working for a mammoth advertising agency in the Mecca they call Manhattan. I had made it. Status and pride filled my existence at the fact that I was an advertising buff on the biggest stage at age 22. Little did I know the show would last 15 hours daily and I was basically non-existent to my wife and one month old baby girl at home. The aura of business superstardom began to wear off after a few months in as I saw my life developing into the likes of a gigantic Rocky Mountain avalanche. As I looked around the train during my daily four hour roundtrip journey back and forth to and from Penn Station; I began to feel like Bill Murray in the movie Groundhog Day. What I saw every day was misery. I saw exhaustion on human faces. Even more frightening; I saw my future. I overheard many conversations on the train occupied by the same people daily. Most of the stories sung the same tune: Divorced a time or two, veterans of this same commute for 35 years, searching for purpose and lasting joy; and duped into thinking once upon a time that money and status could buy fulfillment.

Before long I turned into an insomniac; shaking with anxiety in my bed as my blood shot eyes were polarized by my alarm clock turning from 5:29 to 5:30am. Was it time to go already? I just got home 6 hours ago. My life was about getting up at 5:30am, a four hour roundtrip commute to the Mecca, come home after 11pm, seeing my wife for less than one hour, and kissing my already sleeping daughter for the first time in the day. If you are wondering what tomorrow was like; just rinse and repeat. Questions began to enter my mind that I honestly never thought about before because I was the captain of my ship; and was on a course to gain status in this life. What really was the meaning of life? Why was I here? Was this all?

As I kept going back and forth to the city daily; these questions began to ring louder in my mind. What happened next turned my world upside down. I came in as a “big shot” but I began to lose favor at work due to my inexperience and pride. I found my career at one of the biggest and best advertising agencies crumbling before my eyes. I was losing my identity. During my daily commute I had more than enough time to think. Believe me. The pressure mounted and I became like a man trying to lift a boulder with two broken arms. Not long after; things turned worse believe it or not. I faced the reality of losing my job and this once shiny wheel was now rusty and squeaky. My status dissipated; and depression, panic, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide rushed in. My life would be better off over and done with; rather than losing my identity as an aspiring giant in the business world.

The breaking point came. I was in disbelief. Here I was: Depressed, suicidal, and I couldn’t go on any longer. I was a long way from the successful bright lights of big business Manhattan and what I thought the canvas of my life was destined to look like. My life: From Picasso to a wet painting; watching with tears as the colors smeared off the canvas of my life. As I headed home with my new reality; I found myself unable to get out of bed. My wife painfully looked on at what was now barely a shell of the man she married. I caused the woman I loved most severe anguish. The shell of me was hollow; there was nothing left.

As I was lifeless in my bed with plenty of time to loathe; those old questions started ringing in my head again: What really was the meaning of life? Why was I here? I literally felt a gaping hole in my heart and soul and I cried out in anguish as the pieces of a man became unglued. The hole had a shape that I was not familiar with because everything I tried to stuff into it would not fit. I was like a lost puzzle and all of the pieces had jagged edges and would not fit. As my wife looked on with tears I continued this trend for a week. I could not eat; I could not sleep, and my mind would not turn from the movie marathon of severe depression. The toll was being taken on my marriage and my family. What happened next was more unlikely than anything I could have ever imagined. In fact, on a scale of one to 10 of “very unlikely” to “very likely”; it was no more than a zero.

I never grew up with a spiritual background so when thoughts of God entered into my mind I became alarmed and scared. I began to talk to my wife about these thoughts and she began to pray for me secretly. My wife had a short period of straying from God like many do who want to find fulfillment in the world away from God. It didn’t take long for her to see that the world was empty. She came back to fellowship with God stronger than ever and kept praying for me and loving me unselfishly even though I had nothing to give. Like I said, I had no spiritual background and no knowledge of God. I didn’t even know who Jesus Christ was and had never even read a Bible or any other “religious” book for that matter. Lovingly; my wife told me bits and pieces about God and how this hole I had in my life was something only He could fill because I was created by Him. I still remained skeptical and although I was listening to her the words simply fell on deaf ears.

NEW LIFE

As the depression raged on an indescribable moment occurred. I could not be more truthful when I say that it was almost like I felt a hand or loud voice that said “get up!” I got out of bed and fell to my knees in tears in front of my wife and told her I could not do this without God anymore and whoever He was I needed him in my life. I remember crying out “I can’t do this anymore without God” several times. This road led right to Jesus Christ and I immediately asked her for a Bible. I never read a real book in my entire life; even in K-12 and in college I got by on something called “Cliff’s Notes.” But now here I was unbelievably crying out for a Bible. I could hardly believe the words that were coming out my mouth. My wife gave me her Bible and told me to borrow it for as long as I wanted and I clenched it against my chest and would not let it go.

My wife had a previous trip scheduled to go visit her family back home in Alabama long before any of this happened but she refused to leave me in my current state. I had to basically force her to go and remember confidently convincing her that I was fine now and she should not miss spending time with her family as scheduled. I told her I was going to find a church while she was gone which really caught her off guard; but nonetheless, that’s exactly what I did. I read her Bible day and night studying God’s every Word. I started out reading the Book of John and quickly discovered the definition of an ugly word that nailed Jesus to the cross called “sin.” Immediately I knew I was guilty of sin as even the “whitest” of lies, smallest rage of anger, or one tiny adulterous thought kept me from measuring up from the standard of a perfect God. Also there weren’t any amount of good deeds that I could “do” to “earn” my way to heaven or a relationship with God. I was very distraught by this because I was desperate to prove something. Then I read a verse that is often seen on signs at football games: John 3:16. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son (Jesus) that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” To get this baffling concept straight in my mind; I read it out loud again. I was baffled at the fact that God loved me so much that He allowed Jesus to die on the cross to pay for my sins so that I, Jonathan Barrett, would spend eternity now and forever with Him. How could this be? I wanted in on this deal immediately.

This moment was the start of my life. Yes, I was born physically on June, 27 1979 but now I was born for real. The hole in my heart was finally not empty anymore. I’d like to say that at this point everything turned out smelling like roses and we all lived happily ever after. But, the only way to bend iron is to heat it up. My depression was still alive and kicking and it was something God would use to bend and shape me. I decided to attend a small Baptist church in Port Jefferson Station, NY only because I recognized the street because my sister lived on it. I had no idea what church to go to.

I made my mother attend church with me because I was embarrassed to go alone and my wife was still out of town seeing family. My mother reluctantly came with me and immediately four men approached me as I entered the door. With smiling faces; it was like they had known me my whole life. Two Franks, a Bob, and a Rich introduced themselves to me and little did they know they were taking on a broken mess who had just come to faith in Jesus Christ. Before the church service started I was freaking out. I had never attended a church service before so I was shy and skeptical. But there was something so real about these men that calmed my fears. I wanted what they had. They invited me to a men’s Bible study as we spoke and I told my story. This was exactly what I needed. I found it odd that I was not ashamed to tell my story. I felt some things were embarrassing like how I was currently as depressed as anyone could possibly be. But I could not stop telling others about the new hope that Jesus had given me.

THE TRANSFORMATION

My wife came back home from visiting the family and I told her about church and we started attending every Sunday. I attended the Bible study every week with the two Frank’s, Bob, and Rich. I was broken. I needed to learn how to be a husband, a father, and wanted to learn to live life with true peace and joy. As the weeks at the Bible study passed on these men mostly listened to me cry. They cried too because of how badly I was hurting. They prayed for me and encouraged me. I will never forget Bob’s prayer for me one night going around the table: That I would see just how special God made me and that I would realize His love for me.

In the following months I started to realize small changes. For one, I no longer cursed. I had a mouth like a sailor but I just stopped cursing. I could not explain it. The more I read God’s Word the more I learned and soaked up every bit of it like a sponge. I was getting fed for the first time in my life with lasting fulfillment and it was not going away like everything else used to. The fire only started to burn brighter for my new purpose. Still, there was the issue of my depression. Why would it not go away? And why wouldn’t God just take it away? I became frustrated and got a little angry at God to be perfectly honest. As I wrestled with God about my depression and continued to press on and read the Bible; I came across a passage that opened my eyes and gave me an understanding of my illness like never before.

In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 the Apostle Paul talked about a “thorn” in his flesh. This “thorn” was something he was given to keep him from becoming conceited. Scripture does not reveal what Paul’s thorn was; but most theologians believe it was perhaps chronic ophthalmia, a disease of the eyes, not extremely painful; but at times repulsive. Paul pleaded with God three times to take the ailment away but God advised Paul: “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Did Paul get angry with God? No. In fact he said: “Therefore I will boast all the most gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

It was like a light went off in my head. God would use my depression and my story to help others who were going through the same thing and show them the lasting joy and peace of Jesus Christ in the life of an ordinary Joe like me. Did God take away my depression totally? Not entirely but He did bring healing and victory in my life. In fact, today I can honestly say I am not depressed. God has brought so much joy and peace because my identity is so deeply rooted in Him. Although I still struggle with depression at times; it is like night and day regarding what He has done for me and the amount of healing He has gracefully given. As part of my healing story; God has taught me how to be a husband and father. Establishing a healthy household is imperative and has become a major motivating mission in my life after coming from generations of divorce in my family. The importance of a healthy marriage and its’ effect on my children has been one of the most rewarding experiences after 10 years of marriage. A house that is firmly rooted in Christ is a house that is strong enough to weather the heavy winds of life. In a society where one out of every two marriages end in divorce; God has given my wife and I passion to keep growing our marriage and to be an example for other couples. We have been able to pour in to newly married couples and teach them how to effectively communicate and build their marriages on the unshakable foundation of Jesus Christ.

As two imperfect people coming together in marriage; it is important to actively communicate in a loving and respectful manner. A healthy marriage is living and growing and my wife and I found out that it takes work and commitment. Marriage is not an institution that you can put on auto-pilot and hope it works out. It takes maturity and both parties need to be willing to work. Furthermore, God gave me this hunger which translated into studying to be a pastor with an aim at reaching and teaching families how to have a healthy home.

THE FUTURE IS NOW

The vision to be a pastor started in my first church in Port Jefferson Station, NY as I was the youth group leader. Working with teenagers is perhaps one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. Teens are the most special age group of any in my opinion; because they do not realize how beautiful they are and they are begging for love and attention. My goal was to teach my youth group just how beautiful they were to me and more importantly to Christ. God gave me the opportunity to teach how Jesus changes lives as I knew first hand because He was changing mine. The relationships that I made in youth group are some I will always cherish. In order to pursue the pastorate even further; my wife and I were called to Liberty University in Lynchburg, VA where I am currently in Seminary studying to be a pastor. Aside from serving at our local church in Lynchburg I figured this point in my life would be a quiet one which consisted of working and going to graduate school full time. However, God truly works in amazing and unexpected ways.

A friend of mine knew of a church in Buena Vista, VA that had been without a pastor for four years and he and his father; who is a retired pastor had been filling in until the church was able to get a full-time pastor. My friend was a youth pastor previously and had done most of the filling in as his father was also helping another church that was oddly in between pastors in the same area. My friend called me one day out of the blue and asked if I would be interested in helping him fill in. This was an amazing opportunity that lasted for six months which allowed me to preach and gain invaluable experience helping others with the unchanging message of Jesus Christ amidst this world of panic and inconsistency. My time in Buena Vista came to an end in October 2012 as the church hired a full-time pastor. So, my time in Seminary has continued as I look forward to graduation. God has been preparing me to bring the message of His love to a world that is in desperate need of stability.

My “thorn” called depression occasionally rears its’ ugly head but this has taught me to fully rely on God because He is in control. This illness has brought great blessing to my life as I have been able to help countless people that God has brought into my life and it certainly keeps me humble. This falls in line with the vision God has given me for the future as a pastor where my focus will be on helping husbands and wives build successful marriages and strong legacies for their children. Additionally, due to my illness I am called to make people aware of the dangers of depression. I learned that anyone is susceptible to depression. Depression must be dealt with; not pushed under the rug as it had once been in the past in our society. Helpful actions must be taken as depression is a destructive agent used to tear families a part. I will continue to tell the story of my life and how God used my depression to help others and share His love. So, what’s next for me and my house? We will continue to press on anchored in Jesus Christ and fulfill the purpose that God has made plain to us.