INTRODUCING MY NEW BOOK! Pulling Up the Roots: Family Systems from a Christ-Centered Perspective.

What if the anxiety, guilt, and people-pleasing you've carried your whole life isn't actually yours? In this 10-day devotional, Pastor Jon Barrett combines Family Systems Theory with Christ-centered discipleship to help readers identify the dysfunctional roles and rules programmed into them by their family of origin. Through personal testimony, Scripture meditation, and daily reflection, discover how to detach from chronic anxiety, shame, perfectionism, and reactivity — and step into the true self God created you to be. This is not about blaming your family. It's about finally seeing the system at work in you so healing can begin.

Sample Contents

Introduction: Family Systems and Christian Discipleship

Day 1: Seeing the Family System at Work in You

Day 2: Detaching from Chronic Anxiety

Interested in reading the complete manuscript? The chapters posted here are sample selections from my book. If you would like to receive a copy of the full manuscript, please contact me at pastorjon24503@gmail.com.

Introduction: Family Systems and Christian Discipleship.

Jesus saved my soul. 

Understanding Family Systems Theory has helped to save my life. 

In this devotional, Family Systems Theory with Christ-centered discipleship will be combined to help identify the dysfunctional roles and rules programmed into us by our family of origin. 

Through my own personal testimony, Scripture meditation, and daily reflection, we will discover together how to detach from chronic anxiety, shame, perfectionism, and reactivity, and step into the true self God created us to be. This is not about blaming your family. It's about finally seeing the family system at work in you so healing can begin.

What is Family Systems Theory? 

Family Systems Theory was developed by Dr. Murray Bowen, who showed that families can be understood as emotional systems. Bowen began as a medical doctor who was later trained as a therapist and psychoanalyst. He found that as he and his team worked with schizophrenics, they would revert to old behaviors after they returned to their homes. 

Over time, Bowen realized there was something more to this. Therefore, Bowen began working with not just the schizophrenic, but their families as well. He began to see a significant change. Thus, Family Systems Theory was born and developed over a few decades of continued work.

How does Family Systems apply to you and me?

Family systems affect us all. Some of us come out of our family system with carry-on baggage, while others come out with checked baggage. After growing up in a dysfunctional family led by a narcissistic mother, my story involves a heavy load of checked baggage that I am continuing to unpack. 

The image of my true self has been buried under years of abuse growing up in a dysfunctional family. I’m convinced this is a God-ordained journey to discover what it truly means to be made in His image. Growing up in my home, each day was filled with intense anxiety, guilt, shame, pressure, unpredictability, ridicule, “love bombing,” and conformity, among many other descriptions. 

If you grew up in a narcissistic or dysfunctional home, many of my stories will sound familiar because the patterns are consistent. I pray this little work will make a big difference for your healing journey.

The Biblical Connection:

Although Family Systems Theory is not Christ-centered in origin, its truths are very biblical. Dysfunctional family system dynamics are played out throughout Scripture. I am convinced that, as the body of Christ, if we understood just how much we still function in our family of origin's emotional system, we would see some of the immaturities that plague most congregations.

The goal of the Christ-follower is to be more Christ-like. That cannot be done without learning how to separate the true self God made us to be from the false self we learned from our dysfunctional family. I pray this writing is a tool that will help us to see just that.

A Few Key Family Systems Concepts:

Differentiation: The ability to stay connected to others without losing yourself.

Parentification: When a child is forced to meet emotional needs that should belong to adults.

Over-functioning: Taking responsibility for problems that belong to someone else.

A Brief Note:

This study is not a substitute for professional counseling, psychotherapy, medical treatment, or pastoral care. It is a reflection on my personal healing journey through the lens of Family Systems Theory and Christ-centered discipleship. If you are struggling with significant emotional or mental health challenges, please seek appropriate professional support.

Day 1: Seeing the Family System at Work In You. 

Scripture Meditation: “Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may test and approve what God’s perfect will is” Romans 12:2-3. 

When I was a kid, I loved Scooby-Doo. At the end of each episode, Freddy, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy, and Scooby uncovered who was underneath the mask. Then, the masked culprit would say: “...And I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids!” 

For most of my life, my inner turmoil was that masked phantom. It remained hidden, unnamed, and misunderstood until my wife, Sarah, discovered Jerry Wise Family Systems on YouTube. After watching only a handful of videos, I felt like my full autobiography was being put on display. 

Up to that point, I blamed myself for my chronic anxiety and concluded, “That’s just my personality.” I thought I was stuck and without hope. I had no idea many of these struggles were connected to growing up in a dysfunctional family led by a narcissistic mother. The life I was living wasn’t truly mine.

I spent years wrestling with inner turmoil for which I had no answer: 

• Why was I so anxious every morning before my feet even hit the floor? 

• Why was I so tense in relationships? 

• Why did I see the world as “glass half empty”? 

• Why was I always on high alert? 

• Why did I feel such intense guilt and shame? 

• Why was I so defensive? 

• Why did I over-function? 

• Why did I feel so alone? 

• Why was I such a people pleaser? 

No matter what I tried (breathing, therapy, psychotherapy, antidepressants, etc., and even prayer), I could not shake the depression and chronic anxiety. 

I’m not speaking of a lack of faith in Jesus or saying He doesn’t heal inner turmoil. Rather, I’m talking about not knowing how to process my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions with God. I was in a constant state of fight or flight and could not think clearly. 

Let me make this clear: I am not blaming my family. A lot of the dysfunction was the result of many generations of trauma and may not have been intentional. Nevertheless, lack of intent doesn’t change the damage that was done.

This is about acknowledging the very real emotional, psychological, and physical ramifications of growing up in a dysfunctional and abusive home and the necessity of peeling back the layers for healing. 

Romans 12:2 says: “… Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world.” 

Survivors of narcissistic and dysfunctional families were taught patterns, assigned roles, and made to follow rules that seemed normal, but were not.

Family Systems Theory helped me to put all my symptoms in their proper context rather than looking at them as just my shortcomings. Coming to this realization is where the healing journey started for me, and it’s the foundation for everything we will discuss going forward.

My mother created a family system in our house to ensure that my siblings and I served her emotional needs first and put our own last. Having a “self” was not permitted. My mother used to preach, “Blood (family) is thicker than water.” Loyalty to her was demanded and expected at all times.

As a result, for as long as I can remember, I have struggled with severe anxiety and depression, guilt and shame, low self-worth, and feeling uncomfortable in my own skin among other symptoms. All of these roles were dumped onto me from a very young age, and I unknowingly took them all with me into my adulthood. 

Because of Family Systems Theory, I have stopped trying to “fix” myself and have started seeing the system and how it works.

What a relief!

The last half of Romans 12:2-3 gives a map to this healing process: “… but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may test and approve what God’s perfect will is.” 

The Greek word metamorphoó means to be transformed. Because of Family Systems Theory, what has always seemed impossible is now possible: detaching from the false self my family built and transforming into the real, authentic self that Jesus made me to be. In Christ, we are called to live a lifestyle of inner calmness, peace, rest, and trust in Him. 

The answer is not trying to manage symptoms and behaviors; it’s about seeing how those symptoms point to the root of it all by seeing how the family system still operates in us today and learning to detach from it. 

Seeing the family system at work in you is the starting point for healing. It is not an easy journey because it requires deep introspection. However, once we begin to recognize the dysfunctional emotional patterns operating in us, we can start addressing specific symptoms and find real peace. For me, the loudest symptom of my family system was chronic anxiety, and that's what we will explore next.

Today’s Reflection: List 3 hesitations about what you’ve read so far. Are you willing to explore the possibility that the inner turmoil inside you did not originate with you? Can you accept this guide as a map that may help you navigate your healing journey?

Today’s Prayer: Lord Jesus, please help me to look at my inner turmoil and see that it is a function of my family system programming. I don’t ask to see this so I can blame my family or be bitter and angry. But rather to let it serve as a guide as You help me to see that I am made in Your image, not theirs. You have redeemed me to live in Your peace and rest. Amen.

Today’s Mantra: My family system is not my personality. It is a collection of roles I learned growing up. I choose to detach from these roles and work to become more and more of my true self.

Day 2: Detaching from Chronic Anxiety. 

Scripture Meditation: “Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me” Psalm 27:7. 

Chronic Anxiety is the first symptom of my family system that I’ll address because it’s the biggest and scariest one for me. 

Does the following scenario sound familiar to you? Each morning as soon as my feet hit the floor, I’m already exhausted. I can’t sleep because I can’t turn my mind off at night. I am in a constant state of hypervigilance.

My shoulders are in my ears. My neck is tight. There’s a repeated uneasiness in my stomach. I’m filled with a rush of thoughts that say things like: “What will this day bring? What disaster awaits around the corner? What if I fail at life today?” 

When I learned that this voice did not originate with me, but was largely shaped by my mother’s chronic anxiety and the emotional system in which I was raised, it was like my eyes had been opened for the first time. It’s been no easy task to discover the truth. 

Growing up in my house, I never knew what awaited me when I woke up in the morning and went downstairs. My mother’s chronic anxiety was on the menu at breakfast without fail. My grumpy and grumbly stepfather was her enabler and did whatever he could to just keep the peace for his own well-being. 

I absorbed all of the dysfunction and never even realized it. I was forced to tiptoe around at all times, not knowing whether my mother would explode in anger or embrace me. I wound up transferring this chronic anxiety to every relationship outside the home. 

I learned at a young age that life was uncertain and the world was unsafe. That lesson became deeply embedded in me. The anxiety followed me everywhere like a permanent shadow. I had no inner peace because I didn’t know peace was even possible.

I thought there was something deeply wrong with me. I felt broken and worthless. As a result, I’ve seen many therapists over the years and have been on antidepressants since I was 23. 

While those supports helped me manage symptoms, I still hadn’t explored the roots of those symptoms within my family system. I had no clue someone could even do that! I learned at an early age that you don’t question family.

I have struggled emotionally for as long as I can remember. One of the many roles I was forced to play growing up was that of peacemaker. When conflict arose, I learned to become hypervigilant as a means of survival. 

In Psalm 27:7-9, King David prayed: Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me. You have said, “Seek my face.” My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek.” Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation!

David acknowledged his fears, but he didn’t let them overshadow who he was as a person. He was able to feel anxiety without being defined by it. Rather than processing his heavy feelings in an unhealthy way, David had the courage to explore what was deep inside and remained steadfast in the Lord. Like Psalm 27, many other Psalms from his pen capture this. 

I have learned that the key to detaching from chronic anxiety has been realizing that much of what I thought was simply my personality was learned and passed on from my family system. It feels so much like me, but it’s not. That was so freeing to finally see.

Here’s some hope: If something was learned, it can also be unlearned. This realization has allowed me to begin separating myself from the unhealthy emotional patterns wired into me and has helped me discover the real self that God created me to be.

The following teaching from Jerry Wise was especially impactful for me: “When you can look at something you do and say 'that came from the family system, not from me,' something begins to shift. You start to separate yourself from the roles you were handed as a child. And for the first time, you start building a self that actually belongs to you. That’s the work. And it’s worth doing.”

What feels like your personality is really a set of survival skills you adapted, and once you see them for what they truly are, you cannot unsee them. 

Often the heaviest burdens of chronic anxiety function in one of these three intersecting capacities, which are in no particular order:

1. The Anxiety Scanner: Your job in your dysfunctional family was to constantly scan the room, read microexpressions, and regulate moods to anticipate what was next. Unless healed, this continues into adulthood long after you leave home.

2. The Anxiety Carrier: In a narcissistic and dysfunctional family system, the abuser(s) cannot tolerate their own feelings of inadequacy, shame, or chaos. Therefore, dysfunctional emotions get dumped onto you. 

3. The Anxiety Peacekeeper: Growing up, your anxiety was a necessary tool for the family system. It was your inner alarm system that kept you prepared to fix every problem that arose.

In a healthy family, anxiety is a temporary signal of danger. In narcissistic and dysfunctional families, chronic anxiety serves a vital purpose in the system. Here are a few examples:

1. Dependency: An anxious child is a dependent child. By keeping your nervous system dysregulated, it ensures you remain hyper-focused on others' needs and their approval, preventing you from developing autonomy.

2. Diversion: When you are labeled as “the anxious one,” it allows a dysfunctional family to deflect attention away from their own abusive or neglectful behavior.

3. Control: A person who is constantly anxious is easily manipulated. This allows guilt, rejection, and changing expectations to trigger your anxiety, which pulls you back into line when you try to set a boundary.

Chronic anxiety rarely travels alone. It is often accompanied by another painful burden: guilt and shame. That's where we'll turn our attention next.

Today’s Reflection: Think back as far as you can. Write down at least three of your earliest memories feeling anxious. Where do you think you learned to feel anxious? Can you see that your anxiety did not originate with you? 

Today’s prayer: Lord Jesus, please help me to see that my chronic anxiety did not originate with me. It was wired into me by a dysfunctional family. Help me to detach myself from this programming a little more each day and realize that I was made to experience inner freedom in You. Amen.

Today’s Mantra: Chronic anxiety is not my personality. It is a role I learned growing up. I choose to detach and work to become more and more of my true self.